Connecting Through Word | November 19, 2015

Hello, my sweet friends! After I posted here on the blog last spring, I never would have imagined that my next post would be over 6 MONTHS later…but here we are! It has been a crazy time filled with joy, shock, fear, stress, tears, laughter and blessings. (Not necessarily in that order or coming one at a time!) Friends, life is just not easy, not fair, and never goes as we plan…no matter how hard we try! But through this crazy life, I’m learning more about what it means to follow Jesus.

In May, a thick cloud cover fell over our lives when my sweet mother-in-law, Gunnie, was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were all shocked and scared. With a diagnosis of cancer comes so much unknown. It felt like the cancer clouds loomed over us, blocking our view, where we were only able to see what was right in front of us, never knowing exactly what was ahead.

As the clouds loomed over, I felt a major transition in mothering as Shane and Kaitlyn moved from elementary to junior high life.

kids first day — Kaitlyn, Tyler and Shane on their first day of school this year…oh, and Maggie too, of course!

I thought Tyler had prepared me for how this would go, but it was still a shock to my system to have all three kids in a phase of life where their activities and pre-teen/teenage needs dictated so much of my calendar. I have tried so hard to protect the family calendar and keep the activities at a manageable level. Even though we limit the kids’ activities, it still adds up when there are five of us in the household. It can be quite stressful at times.

As we juggled our calendar, we prayed Grandma Gunnie through chemotherapy, surgery and radiation treatment. Then, just recently, we praised God the day she was able to ring the bell, marking her last treatment.

All the while, through the clouds, I thought I was doing pretty well. Though life was crazy busy between kids’ stuff, singing/speaking engagements, Steve working, and everything else life was throwing at us, I was handling the stress fine…or so I thought. After nearly six years of learning how to manage my life, say yes or no to the right things, and keep my stress level manageable, there I was again, in the emergency room with a Crohn’s flare-up.

Thankfully it was a short stay, just overnight. But it was the motivation I needed to make another major change in how I eat, in hopes of getting my symptoms under control. It also was a reminder to let loose the little things again. Other than anything outside of a major need, I didn’t have the energy to give. I didn’t feel good and the new dietary plan required major discipline and a lot of time preparing food. I am not a chef by any means so it was a tough change, but the potential to achieve healing motivated me. So I let everything else go, gave it to God and asked Him to help me prioritize His plans for my life again.

On Friday, September 25th God’s plan for where I needed to be became so clear, but the clouds got darker.

Steve and I were on our way to Tyler’s football game in a nearby town. He was chatting on the phone with his mom and her husband, Lyle, when I got a call on my phone. It was my mom saying my dad had a heart attack and was going on life-flight down to Des Moines.

As she explained what had happened, all I could think is “I need to be there”. I grabbed Steve’s arm and told him that Dad had a heart attack.

When I hung up, I said “I have to go.” In that moment, he turned our SUV around.

That action spoke a thousand words, because in 1991 his dad had a heart attack and didn’t survive it.

We talked and decided I would go down to Iowa, but we would wait on the details of what we needed to do when we had more information. In the meantime, I texted some of my friends, told them what was going on and asked them to pray.

When we got home, Steve and the twins passed the time watching Tyler’s football game on the TV and I started to gather what I might need for the trip. I kept praying for clarity, and I didn’t want to forget anything I would really need. I didn’t know what exactly I was packing for, or how long it would be, and each thought trail lead me on an emotional rollercoaster.

My neighbor, Katie, came over in the middle of it all with a tote full snacks for the trip. She sat with me for a while on our front porch. Our chat calmed my nerves and helped to clear my head. She mentioned that I probably wouldn’t be able to eat most of the things she brought over, so we moved into the kitchen to make some snacks I could eat on the trip to Iowa.

That’s when I got another call, this time from my brother. He said Dad had made it through surgery to put in a stint, but it was a massive heart attack. They were just going hour by hour at that point.

“I’m on my way,” was my response.

My daughter, Kaitlyn, and I packed up the piles of clothes, shoes and toiletries I had gathered earlier. As Katie put the food-related things I would need in my SUV, I heard the others hollering from the living room.

Tyler had been hurt in the game and was down on the field. I went to see what was going on, but there was a stats graphic on the screen covering Tyler, and all I could see were the people standing over him.

I was hollering at the TV saying, “Are you kidding me? Show me my son!” I thought, my dad is lying in a hospital fighting for his life, and my son is down on the football field with God knows what is wrong with him. Could this really be happening?

It was happening. But before I could start to really freak out, he got up and limped off the field. In that split second I had to make the most difficult decision I had ever made as a mom, to be with my son in his pain or my dad in his.

Both were good decisions. I even felt called to both, but I couldn’t be in Iowa and Minnesota at the same time. I had to choose. I trusted my friends and family in Minnesota would take care of Tyler and everything else. So, I got in my SUV and drove through the night to be with my dad.

As I was driving, I talked to Tyler and told him I was sorry for leaving.

My heart swelled and tears filled my eyes, as Tyler responded, “It’s just my ankle, Mom, Grampa had a heart attack.”

He’s such a good boy; he said just what his mamma needed to hear.

tyler and us footbal — Proud parents after one of Tyler’s football games.

Earlier that day, my friends and I had met at a coffee shop. Through our discussion, it hit me that what God is calling us to, is not just one big thing that defines our life. It’s that He is calling us, period. Calling us to respond to where he wants us to be, not only in our life’s purpose but in the everyday, situation-by-situation purposes.

My purpose for that time was to be there with my dad and family in Iowa, for whatever that meant. So that’s what I did. I was there to give hugs and hold my dad’s hand.

3 hands — My mom and I by Dad’s bedside.

I was there to sit and talk with my family in the hospital and the dinner table. I was there to be with my mom in the hotel and later in her house. I was there, and that’s where I needed to be.

I started writing a song about that, hopefully in the months to come I can finish it with a happy ending. So far, it seems that it will be.

Dad is now recovering at home with mom taking care of him and doing pretty well. I had stayed down in Iowa for two weeks while Dad was in the critical care unit. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving until he was fully conscious and talking. The day before I left, they moved him to a cardiac floor, where he stayed for nearly two more weeks before releasing him. While Dad was in the CCU, they diagnosed him with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, which turns out that was ultimately the cause of his heart attack.

So, the cancer clouds continue to linger there. Dad still has a long road of recovery and treatment ahead of him, but the clouds don’t seem as dark as when he had the heart attack anymore. The prognosis for this type of leukemia tends to be good.

Now we are learning to live with the cancer clouds, still unsure of what’s ahead. But there have been times when the clouds have parted for a bit in these past six months.

There was light when we finally squeezed in a family camping trip and we could relax while taking in some of the beauty Minnesota has been blessed with.

campfire sunset — Crow Wing Lake in Akeley, MN

big paul fam — Family pic with Paul Bunyan tradition in Akeley, MN.

There was light when we watched Gunnie’s new husband support her unconditionally through her cancer journey and stood proudly by as she rang the bell after her last treatment.

Gunnie ringing bell crop — Gunnie and Lyle Erickson

There was light when my band friends and I recorded our first CD of original music and when I saw pieces of my life’s story in print.

There was light when I watched my kids play on their sports teams and when I got good test results, proving the new dietary plan was working.

Even in the midst of the clouds, I know there will continue to be days to come where I can see the light and the Son shining through. I look forward to those days. But on the days when my eyes can’t see beyond the clouds, I will listen with my heart for where He is calling me to…and follow.

John 10:27 “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me.”

Connecting Through Music | October 20, 2014

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 NASB

Pickin’ Up The Pieces was a song I started writing several years ago when my kids were very little. (That’s such a mom thing to say. I’m sure if I really think about it, I could remember the exact year, but to do that, I would still have to base it on how old my kids were at the time!) The words first started to come on my way home from a visit to Iowa, where I grew up. I carry a small recording device with me for moments of inspiration, and as the kids slept in the back of the mini-van, I began to sing the lines as they came, little by little.

I was driving on I-94 just west of the Twin Cities, and it was starting to rain, which seemed fitting for how I was feeling. The trip had been emotionally draining from a difficult conversation with a friend. My heart was aching, and I was trying to process all that had been said. The sky was filled with gray clouds, and as the rain poured down, so did the tears from my eyes.

The words continued on from the heart of a stay-at-home-mom struggling with chronic pain and depression. It was a very gray time in my life. I lacked the energy to live my life the way I had planned, and as a result, it felt like everything around me was falling apart. I was feeling like someone had scooped up the puzzle I was working on, tossed it in the box, and shook it

When I think about it, I guess someone did. God used that difficult time in my life to shake me up and remind me that He held the key to the puzzle. If I would just surrender the pieces to Him, He could put them together to create a wonderful masterpiece. For so long, I had been trying to control how the pieces in my life went together, forcing some to fit where they didn’t, and failing to look for direction when I was stuck. And I was stuck. I was stuck between the joyous time of raising our little ones and the pit of despair. I knew where I wanted to be and where I didn’t, but I wasn’t able to move.

I had always dreamed of getting married and becoming a mom; I wanted two kids, a boy and a girl. I was living the dream plus a bonus when my husband, Steve, and I had three children. My oldest son, Tyler, came in 2000 and then the twins, Shane and Kaitlyn, came in 2003.

As you can imagine, I was a busy mama with three kids under the age of 3. I always felt tired, and I struggled with stomach pain. As much fun as the kids were, I was so worn down physically that it began to affect me emotionally. (The crazy long Minnesota winters were no help for my mood either!) I would retreat to my bed as often as I could to sleep away the exhaustion, physical pain, and looming depression.

This went on as the kids grew and was a constant wedge in my marriage. When I was sleeping, things weren’t getting done around that house, and Steve had to take care of the kids, which meant he couldn’t get things done outside either. As the frustration grew, walls built up between my husband and me. The joy in living the dream of being a wife and mom was hardly there, and I knew something had to change.

As I lay down to sleep, I would try to pray, but most of the time all I could get out was, “Help me!” I couldn’t find the words to explain myself and what I needed; I just knew I needed help. I’m so grateful that God is not just some “Big Guy in the sky”. His work is often done through the hands of His people right here on earth.

With the encouragement from friends and family, I sought out professional help. I was prescribed anti-depressants plus medication for my stomach pain. I also began to see a counselor at Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo, ND. There they helped me work through my emotions and continued to point me to the healing power that is only found in Jesus.

I was eventually able to wean off of the anti-depressants, but my physical health continued to be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease which explained all the stomach pain I had been having for years. As devastating as the diagnosis was, there was a bit of comfort in knowing it wasn’t “all in my head”.

There are times, especially in the midst of a tough winter, that depression seems to be just around the corner, but thankfully, the tools I learned help to keep it at bay. Most of all, I have learned to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and surrender the pieces of my life to Him. I am so grateful for a God who works wonders in and through brokenness. The glorious part is that He never stops.

If you are struggling with depression, don’t struggle alone. Tell someone: a friend, a family member, your pastor…someone. There are people who want to pray with you and for you. Seek out help and counseling. There is no shame in that. If you live in the Fargo/Moorhead area, Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo is excellent.

Pickin’ Up the Pieces performed by the One Fine Day band

Written by Taunya Todd, Clark Holman and Renee Fuchs

Beyond the Clouds

Song Backstory: Pickin’ Up the Pieces

Taunya