Connecting Through Word | February 12, 2015

My husband, Steve, and I met in the winter of 1996 after he came dancing by the stage where I was singing. He was so cute in his black hat and Wrangler jeans.

SCAN0119 — Steve and I in 1996 when we were dating . You can see by our smiles that we were pretty excited to have found each other.

It was love at first sight for both of us, and three months later, we were engaged. Then, on June 4, 1997, we were married. I was excited to live out the rest of our fairytale romance.

After love at first sight comes happily ever after, right? That’s what everyone was telling us anyway. At our wedding we were told how “awesome”, “wonderful”, and “amazing” marriage is. For us, it seemed to be all of that for about a week or so. Then we came back from our honeymoon.

Reality was that we were two young, strong-willed people with jobs and a mortgage. As much as we had in common, we quickly learned how completely different we were too. Not only that, but our opposite work schedules and the responsibilities of owning a tiny old house stressed our marriage.

SCAN0115 (2) — Here is that tiny old house where we started our life together. The church was just a few miles away, so we stopped for a few pictures before the reception. We were so proud of owning our first house, it was just 900 square feet, but it sat on 40 acres of land.

That first year of marriage was a real eye-opener for the both of us. We had gone into it expecting marriage to be “awesome”, “wonderful” and “amazing” just as everyone had told us. Sure, we had moments with all of that, but mostly it was really tough. Things that we loved about each other also harbored deep annoyances too.

I liked that he is tidy, but I didn’t like that he complained when I wasn’t. He liked it when I got gussied up but didn’t like when I spent money on clothes. I liked that he’s good with money, but I didn’t like it when he told me not to spend any. He liked my long hair, but he hated when it landed on the bathroom floor and stuck to his feet.

The years to follow only seemed to get tougher for us when we added children to the mix. By 2003, I was a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and twin babies. Steve and I had established that my job was to take care of the kids and everything inside the house. Steve’s job was to make money and take care of everything outside of the house.

SCAN0114 — Aren’t they cute?! This was taken in our second house before Shane and Kaitlyn started crawling, Tyler and I spent many hours on that floor playing with them .

I loved being a mom, but now that I wasn’t working it brought on different stresses in our marriage. One evening we found ourselves arguing over many different things: money, kids, and annoyances in each other, just to name a few. Our lack of sleep since the kids were born only escalated the situation. The love that we had found at first sight was buried so deep under frustration that we could hardly see it anymore. Years of miscommunication came to a head, and we realized we were just two people raising kids in the same house.

We had found ourselves retreating out of our situation whenever we could. Steve retreated to work and the comradery of his coworkers or outside to busy himself on our land. I retreated to church for friendships or anywhere I could sing and receive affirmation for performing.

SCAN0116 — We caught up to Daddy after a parade in the summer of 2003. The kids look super excited to have their picture taken!

I wondered when the happily ever after part of marriage was going to start. I could see “ever after” in our future, but with the way we were feeling the “happily” part didn’t look promising. As unhappy as we were with each other, we had made a commitment before God that we would stay married.

SCAN0117 — As I post this picture, my Pandora radio station is playing the song I’ll Still Be Loving You by Restless Heart, it was the very song I sang to Steve at our wedding! How wild is that?!

My parents had always told me that divorce was not an option they would ever choose. I had told myself it wasn’t going to be an option for me either. Steve’s parents had modeled the same example to him too.

I prayed that God would help our marriage somehow. By that I mean, I prayed that God would change my husband to be what I wanted him to be, to say what I wanted him to say, and do what I wanted him to do. If only Steve would change, then I would be happy.

Over the years, in many ways, God answered my prayer to help our marriage. Though rarely was it by changing Steve, most often it was by teaching me to change.

Some of the most impactful lessons I learned to help our marriage were:

The 5 Love Languages (A book by Gary Chapman) I learned that the #1 miscommunication in our marriage was how we expressed our love to each other.
To accept and respect my husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22) I needed to control my strong-will and allow my husband to lead our family.
To choose my words wisely to keep peace (Ephesians 4:2-3) I value the peace in our marriage these days, I choose my words carefully to avoid lengthy conflict.
Good is Good (A lesson from Beth Moore) Don’t be disappointed when marriage isn’t perfect, good is good.

Through it all, I have learned that “happily ever after” is a choice. Every day, even moment to moment, the words and actions I express to my husband reflect if I have chosen “happily” ever after or not. Sometimes I chose wisely, and other times, well, not so much. I’m still a work in progress, but I understand that my happiness is not based solely on my husband, but on me as well.

I’m grateful to say that our marriage has grown stronger and stronger over the past few years. It’s taken a lot of work from both Steve and me, but like I tell my kids, “Sometimes lessons are learned the hard way.”

virginia beach 009 — Steve and I on the beach in Virginia during a family reunion vacation in 2012.

So my dear friends, I’m telling you what I wish someone would have told me all those years ago, on my wedding day, “Marriage is an awesome, wonderful, and amazing thing, but happily ever after is a choice.”

Taunya

Connecting Through Music | October 20, 2014

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 NASB

Pickin’ Up The Pieces was a song I started writing several years ago when my kids were very little. (That’s such a mom thing to say. I’m sure if I really think about it, I could remember the exact year, but to do that, I would still have to base it on how old my kids were at the time!) The words first started to come on my way home from a visit to Iowa, where I grew up. I carry a small recording device with me for moments of inspiration, and as the kids slept in the back of the mini-van, I began to sing the lines as they came, little by little.

I was driving on I-94 just west of the Twin Cities, and it was starting to rain, which seemed fitting for how I was feeling. The trip had been emotionally draining from a difficult conversation with a friend. My heart was aching, and I was trying to process all that had been said. The sky was filled with gray clouds, and as the rain poured down, so did the tears from my eyes.

The words continued on from the heart of a stay-at-home-mom struggling with chronic pain and depression. It was a very gray time in my life. I lacked the energy to live my life the way I had planned, and as a result, it felt like everything around me was falling apart. I was feeling like someone had scooped up the puzzle I was working on, tossed it in the box, and shook it

When I think about it, I guess someone did. God used that difficult time in my life to shake me up and remind me that He held the key to the puzzle. If I would just surrender the pieces to Him, He could put them together to create a wonderful masterpiece. For so long, I had been trying to control how the pieces in my life went together, forcing some to fit where they didn’t, and failing to look for direction when I was stuck. And I was stuck. I was stuck between the joyous time of raising our little ones and the pit of despair. I knew where I wanted to be and where I didn’t, but I wasn’t able to move.

I had always dreamed of getting married and becoming a mom; I wanted two kids, a boy and a girl. I was living the dream plus a bonus when my husband, Steve, and I had three children. My oldest son, Tyler, came in 2000 and then the twins, Shane and Kaitlyn, came in 2003.

As you can imagine, I was a busy mama with three kids under the age of 3. I always felt tired, and I struggled with stomach pain. As much fun as the kids were, I was so worn down physically that it began to affect me emotionally. (The crazy long Minnesota winters were no help for my mood either!) I would retreat to my bed as often as I could to sleep away the exhaustion, physical pain, and looming depression.

This went on as the kids grew and was a constant wedge in my marriage. When I was sleeping, things weren’t getting done around that house, and Steve had to take care of the kids, which meant he couldn’t get things done outside either. As the frustration grew, walls built up between my husband and me. The joy in living the dream of being a wife and mom was hardly there, and I knew something had to change.

As I lay down to sleep, I would try to pray, but most of the time all I could get out was, “Help me!” I couldn’t find the words to explain myself and what I needed; I just knew I needed help. I’m so grateful that God is not just some “Big Guy in the sky”. His work is often done through the hands of His people right here on earth.

With the encouragement from friends and family, I sought out professional help. I was prescribed anti-depressants plus medication for my stomach pain. I also began to see a counselor at Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo, ND. There they helped me work through my emotions and continued to point me to the healing power that is only found in Jesus.

I was eventually able to wean off of the anti-depressants, but my physical health continued to be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease which explained all the stomach pain I had been having for years. As devastating as the diagnosis was, there was a bit of comfort in knowing it wasn’t “all in my head”.

There are times, especially in the midst of a tough winter, that depression seems to be just around the corner, but thankfully, the tools I learned help to keep it at bay. Most of all, I have learned to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and surrender the pieces of my life to Him. I am so grateful for a God who works wonders in and through brokenness. The glorious part is that He never stops.

If you are struggling with depression, don’t struggle alone. Tell someone: a friend, a family member, your pastor…someone. There are people who want to pray with you and for you. Seek out help and counseling. There is no shame in that. If you live in the Fargo/Moorhead area, Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo is excellent.

Pickin’ Up the Pieces performed by the One Fine Day band

Written by Taunya Todd, Clark Holman and Renee Fuchs

Happy Ever After is a Choice

Taunya

Song Backstory: Pickin’ Up the Pieces

Taunya