Connecting Through Music | October 20, 2014

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  Psalm 147:3 NASB

Pickin’ Up The Pieces was a song I started writing several years ago when my kids were very little.  (That’s such a mom thing to say. I’m sure if I really think about it, I could remember the exact year, but to do that, I would still have to base it on how old my kids were at the time!) The words first started to come on my way home from a visit to Iowa, where I grew up.  I carry a small recording device with me for moments of inspiration, and as the kids slept in the back of the mini-van, I began to sing the lines as they came, little by little.

I was driving on I-94 just west of the Twin Cities, and it was starting to rain, which seemed fitting for how I was feeling.  The trip had been emotionally draining from a difficult conversation with a friend.  My heart was aching, and I was trying to process all that had been said.  The sky was filled with gray clouds, and as the rain poured down, so did the tears from my eyes.

The words continued on from the heart of a stay-at-home-mom struggling with chronic pain and depression. It was a very gray time in my life. I lacked the energy to live my life the way I had planned, and as a result, it felt like everything around me was falling apart. I was feeling like someone had scooped up the puzzle I was working on, tossed it in the box, and shook it

When I think about it, I guess someone did. God used that difficult time in my life to shake me up and remind me that He held the key to the puzzle.  If I would just surrender the pieces to Him, He could put them together to create a wonderful masterpiece.  For so long, I had been trying to control how the pieces in my life went together, forcing some to fit where they didn’t, and failing to look for direction when I was stuck.  And I was stuck. I was stuck between the joyous time of raising our little ones and the pit of despair.  I knew where I wanted to be and where I didn’t, but I wasn’t able to move.

I had always dreamed of getting married and becoming a mom; I wanted two kids, a boy and a girl.  I was living the dream plus a bonus when my husband, Steve, and I had three children.  My oldest son, Tyler, came in 2000 and then the twins, Shane and Kaitlyn, came in 2003.

As you can imagine, I was a busy mama with three kids under the age of 3.  I always felt tired, and I struggled with stomach pain.  As much fun as the kids were, I was so worn down physically that it began to affect me emotionally.  (The crazy long Minnesota winters were no help for my mood either!) I would retreat to my bed as often as I could to sleep away the exhaustion, physical pain, and looming depression.

This went on as the kids grew and was a constant wedge in my marriage.  When I was sleeping, things weren’t getting done around that house, and Steve had to take care of the kids, which meant he couldn’t get things done outside either.  As the frustration grew, walls built up between my husband and me.  The joy in living the dream of being a wife and mom was hardly there, and I knew something had to change.

As I lay down to sleep, I would try to pray, but most of the time all I could get out was, “Help me!”  I couldn’t find the words to explain myself and what I needed; I just knew I needed help.  I’m so grateful that God is not just some “Big Guy in the sky”.   His work is often done through the hands of His people right here on earth.

With the encouragement from friends and family, I sought out professional help.  I was prescribed anti-depressants plus medication for my stomach pain.  I also began to see a counselor at Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo, ND.  There they helped me work through my emotions and continued to point me to the healing power that is only found in Jesus.

I was eventually able to wean off of the anti-depressants, but my physical health continued to be a challenge.  I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease which explained all the stomach pain I had been having for years.  As devastating as the diagnosis was, there was a bit of comfort in knowing it wasn’t “all in my head”.

There are times, especially in the midst of a tough winter, that depression seems to be just around the corner, but thankfully, the tools I learned help to keep it at bay.  Most of all, I have learned to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and surrender the pieces of my life to Him. I am so grateful for a God who works wonders in and through brokenness. The glorious part is that He never stops.

If you are struggling with depression, don’t struggle alone. Tell someone: a friend, a family member, your pastor…someone.  There are people who want to pray with you and for you.  Seek out help and counseling. There is no shame in that.  If you live in the Fargo/Moorhead area, Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo is excellent.

 Pickin’ Up the Pieces performed by the One Fine Day band

Written by Taunya Todd, Clark Holman and Renee Fuchs

Taunya