February 14, 2019

“I need a break, maybe you should go stay with your parents.”

My husband’s words were like a dagger to my heart. I wondered how we got to where we were…just two people raising kids in the same house. It was heartbreaking, because our beginning felt like a modern-day fairy tale.

It was love at first sight. He was an off-duty cop and I was a traveling singer. He danced by the stage where I was singing, our eyes met, he smiled at me…and we were engaged three months later.

Oh, the 90’s! The hair, body suit, pleated jeans, color block shirt…it’s all right here!

Everyone kept telling us how awesome marriage was, so we were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives living happily ever after. But five years, three kids, and two houses later the happy was gone.

Despite how frustrated we were with each other, I didn’t take off for my parents’ house. I was determined that we live out our fairy tale together, but we were both immature and lacking the tools to know how to make it a happy one.

Then one morning at a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting, I learned about the Love Languages. That was a light bulb moment for me, it made so much sense, and I thought it just might be what my husband and I needed to turn things around.

The speaker explained how we each have a primary way we express our love. In contrast, our “love language” may be different from our spouse’s, making it as difficult to understand each other, as if one of us spoke Chinese and the other English.

I ran out and bought the 5 Love Language book by Gary Chapman. Through it, I learned that my husband’s primary love language was Acts of Service and mine was Words of Affirmation which caught us in a vicious cycle of mis-communicated love.

When something didn’t get done around the house, his negative words made me feel like I was failing as stay-at-home mom, and my attitude toward him in return, was spiteful and unforgiving.

I realized if I wanted him to change, I had to change too. So, I tried doing a few Acts of Service around the house, like making sure the dishes were done and the toys were picked up before he got home from patrol. It wasn’t long before I noticed his attitude toward me soften, so I explained what I had learned and what I was doing.

I convinced him to take the Love Language test to confirm what I was thinking. (He did, but told me not to tell the guys he worked with what he was doing.) His test affirmed my thinking. Knowing our love languages helped us understand each other better and led us back toward our happily ever after.

Now, after nearly 22 years of marriage, we have found that making the choice to love each other the way it speaks the loudest can make all the difference in the world.

It’s not always easy and it takes work. more of our story I’ll admit my stubborn pride gets in the way more often than not, but on the days we do choose to love each other well…it’s worth it.

If you would like to discover your love language, there is now a quick test you can take online at 5lovelanguages.com

Connecting Through Word | February 12, 2015

My husband, Steve, and I met in the winter of 1996 after he came dancing by the stage where I was singing. He was so cute in his black hat and Wrangler jeans.

SCAN0119 — Steve and I in 1996 when we were dating . You can see by our smiles that we were pretty excited to have found each other.

It was love at first sight for both of us, and three months later, we were engaged. Then, on June 4, 1997, we were married. I was excited to live out the rest of our fairytale romance.

After love at first sight comes happily ever after, right? That’s what everyone was telling us anyway. At our wedding we were told how “awesome”, “wonderful”, and “amazing” marriage is. For us, it seemed to be all of that for about a week or so. Then we came back from our honeymoon.

Reality was that we were two young, strong-willed people with jobs and a mortgage. As much as we had in common, we quickly learned how completely different we were too. Not only that, but our opposite work schedules and the responsibilities of owning a tiny old house stressed our marriage.

SCAN0115 (2) — Here is that tiny old house where we started our life together. The church was just a few miles away, so we stopped for a few pictures before the reception. We were so proud of owning our first house, it was just 900 square feet, but it sat on 40 acres of land.

That first year of marriage was a real eye-opener for the both of us. We had gone into it expecting marriage to be “awesome”, “wonderful” and “amazing” just as everyone had told us. Sure, we had moments with all of that, but mostly it was really tough. Things that we loved about each other also harbored deep annoyances too.

I liked that he is tidy, but I didn’t like that he complained when I wasn’t. He liked it when I got gussied up but didn’t like when I spent money on clothes. I liked that he’s good with money, but I didn’t like it when he told me not to spend any. He liked my long hair, but he hated when it landed on the bathroom floor and stuck to his feet.

The years to follow only seemed to get tougher for us when we added children to the mix. By 2003, I was a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and twin babies. Steve and I had established that my job was to take care of the kids and everything inside the house. Steve’s job was to make money and take care of everything outside of the house.

SCAN0114 — Aren’t they cute?! This was taken in our second house before Shane and Kaitlyn started crawling, Tyler and I spent many hours on that floor playing with them .

I loved being a mom, but now that I wasn’t working it brought on different stresses in our marriage. One evening we found ourselves arguing over many different things: money, kids, and annoyances in each other, just to name a few. Our lack of sleep since the kids were born only escalated the situation. The love that we had found at first sight was buried so deep under frustration that we could hardly see it anymore. Years of miscommunication came to a head, and we realized we were just two people raising kids in the same house.

We had found ourselves retreating out of our situation whenever we could. Steve retreated to work and the comradery of his coworkers or outside to busy himself on our land. I retreated to church for friendships or anywhere I could sing and receive affirmation for performing.

SCAN0116 — We caught up to Daddy after a parade in the summer of 2003. The kids look super excited to have their picture taken!

I wondered when the happily ever after part of marriage was going to start. I could see “ever after” in our future, but with the way we were feeling the “happily” part didn’t look promising. As unhappy as we were with each other, we had made a commitment before God that we would stay married.

SCAN0117 — As I post this picture, my Pandora radio station is playing the song I’ll Still Be Loving You by Restless Heart, it was the very song I sang to Steve at our wedding! How wild is that?!

My parents had always told me that divorce was not an option they would ever choose. I had told myself it wasn’t going to be an option for me either. Steve’s parents had modeled the same example to him too.

I prayed that God would help our marriage somehow. By that I mean, I prayed that God would change my husband to be what I wanted him to be, to say what I wanted him to say, and do what I wanted him to do. If only Steve would change, then I would be happy.

Over the years, in many ways, God answered my prayer to help our marriage. Though rarely was it by changing Steve, most often it was by teaching me to change.

Some of the most impactful lessons I learned to help our marriage were:

The 5 Love Languages (A book by Gary Chapman) I learned that the #1 miscommunication in our marriage was how we expressed our love to each other.
To accept and respect my husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22) I needed to control my strong-will and allow my husband to lead our family.
To choose my words wisely to keep peace (Ephesians 4:2-3) I value the peace in our marriage these days, I choose my words carefully to avoid lengthy conflict.
Good is Good (A lesson from Beth Moore) Don’t be disappointed when marriage isn’t perfect, good is good.

Through it all, I have learned that “happily ever after” is a choice. Every day, even moment to moment, the words and actions I express to my husband reflect if I have chosen “happily” ever after or not. Sometimes I chose wisely, and other times, well, not so much. I’m still a work in progress, but I understand that my happiness is not based solely on my husband, but on me as well.

I’m grateful to say that our marriage has grown stronger and stronger over the past few years. It’s taken a lot of work from both Steve and me, but like I tell my kids, “Sometimes lessons are learned the hard way.”

virginia beach 009 — Steve and I on the beach in Virginia during a family reunion vacation in 2012.

So my dear friends, I’m telling you what I wish someone would have told me all those years ago, on my wedding day, “Marriage is an awesome, wonderful, and amazing thing, but happily ever after is a choice.”

Choosing Love

Happy Ever After is a Choice

Taunya