February 14, 2019

“I need a break, maybe you should go stay with your parents.”

My husband’s words were like a dagger to my heart.  I wondered how we got to where we were…just two people raising kids in the same house.  It was heartbreaking, because our beginning felt like a modern-day fairy tale.

It was love at first sight.  He was an off-duty cop and I was a traveling singer.  He danced by the stage where I was singing, our eyes met, he smiled at me…and we were engaged three months later.

Everyone kept telling us how awesome marriage was, so we were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives living happily ever after.  But five years, three kids, and two houses later the happy was gone.

Despite how frustrated we were with each other, I didn’t take off for my parents’ house.  I was determined that we live out our fairy tale together, but we were both immature and lacking the tools to know how to make it a happy one.

Then one morning at a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting, I learned about the Love Languages. That was a light bulb moment for me, it made so much sense, and I thought it just might be what my husband and I needed to turn things around.

The speaker explained how we each have a primary way we express our love.  In contrast, our “love language” may be different from our spouse’s, making it as difficult to understand each other, as if one of us spoke Chinese and the other English. 

I ran out and bought the 5 Love Language book by Gary Chapman. Through it, I learned that my husband’s primary love language was Acts of Service and mine was Words of Affirmation which caught us in a vicious cycle of mis-communicated love.

When something didn’t get done around the house, his negative words made me feel like I was failing as stay-at-home mom, and my attitude toward him in return, was spiteful and unforgiving.

I realized if I wanted him to change, I had to change too.  So, I tried doing a few Acts of Service around the house, like making sure the dishes were done and the toys were picked up before he got home from patrol.  It wasn’t long before I noticed his attitude toward me soften, so I explained what I had learned and what I was doing. 

I convinced him to take the Love Language test to confirm what I was thinking.  (He did, but told me not to tell the guys he worked with what he was doing.) His test affirmed my thinking.  Knowing our love languages helped us understand each other better and led us back toward our happily ever after.

Now, after nearly 22 years of marriage, we have found that making the choice to love each other the way it speaks the loudest can make all the difference in the world.

It’s not always easy and it takes work. more of our story I’ll admit my stubborn pride gets in the way more often than not, but on the days we do choose to love each other well…it’s worth it.

If you would like to discover your love language, there is now a quick test you can take online at 5lovelanguages.com