Connecting Through Word | February 12, 2015

My husband, Steve, and I met in the winter of 1996 after he came dancing by the stage where I was singing. He was so cute in his black hat and Wrangler jeans.

It was love at first sight for both of us, and three months later, we were engaged.  Then, on June 4, 1997, we were married.  I was excited to live out the rest of our fairytale romance.

After love at first sight comes happily ever after, right?  That’s what everyone was telling us anyway.  At our wedding we were told how “awesome”, “wonderful”, and “amazing” marriage is.  For us, it seemed to be all of that for about a week or so. Then we came back from our honeymoon.

Reality was that we were two young, strong-willed people with jobs and a mortgage.  As much as we had in common, we quickly learned how completely different we were too.  Not only that, but our opposite work schedules and the responsibilities of owning a tiny old house stressed our marriage.

That first year of marriage was a real eye-opener for the both of us.  We had gone into it expecting marriage to be “awesome”, “wonderful” and “amazing” just as everyone had told us.  Sure, we had moments with all of that, but mostly it was really tough.   Things that we loved about each other also harbored deep annoyances too.

I liked that he is tidy, but I didn’t like that he complained when I wasn’t.  He liked it when I got gussied up but didn’t like when I spent money on clothes.  I liked that he’s good with money, but I didn’t like it when he told me not to spend any.  He liked my long hair, but he hated when it landed on the bathroom floor and stuck to his feet.

The years to follow only seemed to get tougher for us when we added children to the mix.  By 2003, I was a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and twin babies.  Steve and I had established that my job was to take care of the kids and everything inside the house.  Steve’s job was to make money and take care of everything outside of the house.

I loved being a mom, but now that I wasn’t working it brought on different stresses in our marriage.  One evening we found ourselves arguing over many different things: money, kids, and annoyances in each other, just to name a few.  Our lack of sleep since the kids were born only escalated the situation.  The love that we had found at first sight was buried so deep under frustration that we could hardly see it anymore.  Years of miscommunication came to a head, and we realized we were just two people raising kids in the same house.

We had found ourselves retreating out of our situation whenever we could.  Steve retreated to work and the comradery of his coworkers or outside to busy himself on our land.  I retreated to church for friendships or anywhere I could sing and receive affirmation for performing.

I wondered when the happily ever after part of marriage was going to start.   I could see “ever after” in our future, but with the way we were feeling the “happily” part didn’t look promising.  As unhappy as we were with each other, we had made a commitment before God that we would stay married.

My parents had always told me that divorce was not an option they would ever choose.  I had told myself it wasn’t going to be an option for me either.   Steve’s parents had modeled the same example to him too.

I prayed that God would help our marriage somehow.  By that I mean, I prayed that God would change my husband to be what I wanted him to be, to say what I wanted him to say, and do what I wanted him to do.  If only Steve would change, then I would be happy.

Over the years, in many ways, God answered my prayer to help our marriage.  Though rarely was it by changing Steve, most often it was by teaching me to change.

Some of the most impactful lessons I learned to help our marriage were:

• The 5 Love Languages (A book by Gary Chapman) I learned that the #1 miscommunication in our marriage was how we expressed our love to each other.
• To accept and respect my husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22) I needed to control my strong-will and allow my husband to lead our family.
• To choose my words wisely to keep peace (Ephesians 4:2-3) I value the peace in our marriage these days, I choose my words carefully to avoid lengthy conflict.
• Good is Good (A lesson from Beth Moore) Don’t be disappointed when marriage isn’t perfect, good is good.

Through it all, I have learned that “happily ever after” is a choice.  Every day, even moment to moment, the words and actions I express to my husband reflect if I have chosen “happily” ever after or not.  Sometimes I chose wisely, and other times, well, not so much.  I’m still a work in progress, but I understand that my happiness is not based solely on my husband, but on me as well.

I’m grateful to say that our marriage has grown stronger and stronger over the past few years.  It’s taken a lot of work from both Steve and me, but like I tell my kids, “Sometimes lessons are learned the hard way.”

So my dear friends, I’m telling you what I wish someone would have told me all those years ago, on my wedding day, “Marriage is an awesome, wonderful, and amazing thing, but happily ever after is a choice.”

Taunya